L-Baz Quotes Part.1

rickandsarah

 

Here is a picture of my girlfriend and I in Ibiza, as you can see the author is punching well above his weight! Sarah Leatherbarrow, also known as L-Baz, Bazza or simply ‘The Barrow’ has been putting up with me for almost 3 and a half years now and in May of next year I’m very happy to say that we’ll be getting married. On the big day I will be expected to give a speech, which is something I very much enjoy. I was co-best man at my mate Nick’s wedding last year and although I was so nervous that I felt as though I had lost sensation in all of my limbs, it was great fun and the speech went down really well. Now for my own wedding I keep having to remind myself that giving a groom’s speech is very different to giving a best man’s speech, basically I can’t just stand up and take the piss out of my wife for 15 minutes! Instead I’ll be saying lots of nice things about her as I’m not a Neanderthal but I wanted to share some funny stuff on here, especially the many quotes from L-Baz which have enriched my life. I’ll probably add to this over time but here are a few of my faves (and bear in mind that these are off the cuff and not actually meant as humorous remarks, which is why I love them).

An important cooking questionI told Sarah I was making crab linguine for tea which immediately made her panic as I knew she would be picturing a pile of linguine with a live crab sitting on top of it.

“LB: How do you know he’s dead?

Me: Who?

LB: The crab, you boil them from live don’t you? So you might just be giving him a hot bath, you don’t know with a fish.

Me: It’s not a fish, it’s a crustacean.

LB: It’s not a crusty Asian, it’s a fish.”

Whilst watching a TV documentary on Peter SutcliffeWe’d been watching it for a good half an hour…

“Sutcliffe. Is that Myra Hindley?”

Giving me a lesson on how to use Dolmio sauce in cooking;

“Don’t put any salt in it Rick, there’s salt already in the sauce, they mix all of the ingredients up in a jar for you, you see. Do you understand?”

Trying to insult me;

“Me: You’re as bent as a nine-bob note.

LB: You’re as bent as a broom.

Me: Straight then?

LB: A curly broom.”

On the subject of eating chicken off the bone (in conversation with her mother);

“I’ve eaten bone from Rick before.”

A food review;

“Venison’s shit, I’ve never had it.”

Whilst recovering from minor keyhole surgery (to my brother);

“Tell Stevie I’ve got 3 holes in me!”

On the subject of work and managing her assistant;

“I’ve been really tired so I just made my minion give me back rubs all day.”

To the cat;

“Hey get out of here you filthy vermin!”

Whilst watching a documentary on African Albinos (to be fair it was confusing);

“LB: Why’s he white?

Me: He’s an Albino, but if he wasn’t an Albino he’d be black.

LB: So he’s white?

Me: Well yes but that’s just because his skin has no pigment even though he’s of African descent. Do you understand?

LB: I think so.

Me: Do you?

LB: No.”

A review of  the film ‘Shutter Island’;

“It’s rubbish, he gets eaten by rats.”

A debate on whether or not we should book an all-inclusive hotel;

“LB: I like to go out and find nice places to eat and drink.”

Me: So do I but if you fancy a beer or something to eat at the hotel, it’s free.

LB: But normally if I want a drink I just put it on the tab.

Me: And who exactly do you think pays the tab???

LB: Dad?”

After being taken to hospital following a car crash;

“Rick! They strapped me to a board and ruined my make-up.”

After 2 days on an aloe vera detox diet (in tears);

“Do you hate me because of my fat thighs? I just want cookies!”

On the subject of her favourite greetings card (this used to be her job);

“I’ve thought it was funny for ages even though I didn’t actually understand the joke and then someone explained it to me and I still don’t really get it but it’s made it even funnier.”

 

And finally, here is one which she claimed she actually meant….

Encouraging my brother to smoke less cannabis;

“You’ll be better at golf if you stop smoking it Stevie, you don’t want to be playing with a handicap!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

sarah and ellie

and then I said….

 

 

 

Advertisements
Tagged , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: