Category Archives: pirates

Crappy Unsigned Bands #2 #thecrappening

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Since writing last week’s reviews of some of the CUB’s who followed me on Twitter I have been overwhelmed by the response and literally inundated with at least 3 new bands requesting to follow me.

I was checking the stats on this incredible blog the other day and noticed that I’d had 5 visitors in one day, absolutely smashing the previous BadTripe record of 3. Obviously most of these visits are accidental and, wonderfully, you can actually see the country from which the visitors visited and also the search terms which brought them here.

It was to my sheer amazement and delight that I saw that someone in Albania (and this is absolutely true) had googled ‘Beyonce Pussy’ and had ended up here on BadTripe.com. Beyonce does crop up in one of my articles and most of what I write involves cats so I can see how it’s happened but what a fortuitous happenstance dear readers! Just think, if that poor Albanian fool had been slightly less specific in his Google search criteria then he could’ve been looking at all manner of lady parts but instead he’s now listening to your Crappy Unsigned Band. That’s the power of the internet kids, you do the math.

Anyway let’s dive straight in to this week’s CUB’s and see what fresh hell awaits us…

First up this week we have Destroy Nate Allen @DSTRYNATEALLEN a colourful haired gentleman (and I think his wife?) hailing from Kansas City, Missouri where I believe the classic American dish of Waffle-Fried Crawfish was invented.

BadTripe Verdict: This is that sort of off-kilter folk punk music played on acoustic guitars that makes up the soundtrack to all of those US indie films starring Michael Cera where everyone wears a hoodie and has great hair where nothing much happens but the kids all discover some life lessons about themselves before they move out of Mom’s basement and go off to college, set against a background of teenage pregnancy, divorce or imminent destruction of the earth. They’ll never forget that summer, and we all swore never to not waste a minute or let a minute go to waste. Anyway this band…I like it, it’s all very quirky and enjoyable. These guys sound like a nice couple who are having a lot of fun and I for one would quite like to go have some beers and some chicken-fried daiquiris with them.

Next, all the way from Manchester we have The Mudez Project @MudezProject who requested a review without actually following me which piqued my ire to begin with. Don’t you realise I care about how many people follow me on Twitter? I’m a small, petty, petty man in many ways.

Their Twitter biog reads :-

“Nu Jazz, Neo Soul, Fusion & Electronica fuses together The Mudez Project in a mist of exciting collaborations & new sounds.”

Jesus Methamphetamine Christ I’m scared. If they’d added the word ‘funk’ to this anywhere I would’ve vomited my own eyes out there and then but I’m a true journalist and so, like a cheap hooker attempting to override her gag reflex, I’ll give it a go….

BadTripe Verdict: I managed to make it through 2 minutes of their video! They’re clearly a very talented group of musicians, a tight jazz quintet. The lead singer has a great voice and the addition of a double bass in to any situation will always play well on BadTripe. If I was staggering round a smoky basement bar (back when you could smoke, not one that’s on fire) and these guys were playing in the background I’d be quite happy. If you’re the sort of person who likes magic mushrooms on a week night and has at least one white friend with dreadlocks I reckon you’ll like them too. Just for God’s sake never put the prefix “Nu” in front of any genre of music ever again.

And finally….coming straight out of Waco Texas (which is already ringing alarm bells) we have The Jesses, represented on Twitter by (I presume) lead vocalist and songwriter Robert Harris @bitterpony666 whose Tweets lead me to the band’s full length album ‘The Devil Doesn’t Come Out in Daylight’. Looking at Robert’s profile it looks as though he failed to make the Varsity Water Polo team, which I understand is the one unifying goal of all American high school kids and instead has chosen to go the other way and stop cutting his hair and adopt a bleak, nihilistic view of the world and all existence and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact it’s a good start if you want to make some decent music.

BadTripe Verdict: Jesus Christ you kids need to lighten up, the world’s not that terrible. Even on the website it says “Here is our album, after it comes out we will break up”. It can’t be that bad! In fact you guys remind me of the Goth Kids from South Park. You want to come round to the BadTripe household for the weekend that’ll cheer you up. Me and Mrs BT like listening to some angsty, desolate post-punk but we also like cuddling on the sofa and watching Grey’s Anatomy with a nice bottle of Pinot Noir. On Fridays we normally cook some delicious pasta but we don’t just lump it straight on to a plate, no, no, no. We serve it up on a vintage platter, scattered liberally with fresh herbs and accompanied by a nice Caprese Salad. Then I grate some parmesan over it with gusto from a height, FROM A HEIGHT ROBERT! I know what you’re thinking and you’re right, it fucking well gets all over our antique oak plank kitchen table but we don’t care, it gives it a sense of occasion, something to enjoy. I mean obviously Mrs Badtripe makes me clean that shit up as soon as we’ve eaten, we’re not running a fucking soup kitchen you understand.

That said your album’s really good. I can tell you love Wavves and Cloud Nothings, as do I, I’m a sucker for this stuff and this is really well made considering you’ve probably done it all yourself in your bedroom. It’s melodic, grungey, a little bit jarring and depressing as fuck in places. People like you need to be depressed so that people like me can enjoy your music. Don’t break up you bunch of pricks. Carry on being depressed in your Crappy Unsigned Band and you never know what might happen.

Peace x

 

 

 

 

 

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Badtripe Children’s Story Time

Here are some kid’s stories which I have recently had rejected by several publishers. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it seems to me that it’s a really difficult market to get in to unless you’re already famous like David Walliams or Ricky Gervais or those douchebags from McFly. Plus I really feel like kids stories are quite dumbed down and patronising. Children don’t need this rose tinted view of the world where everything has a happy ending and valuable lessons are learned. They want to make their own decisions about what’s right and wrong and they want a vomit inducing dose of the truth and I’m here to give it to them.

Enjoy!

Patrick the Pirate without a Parrot

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Patrick the Pirate does not have a parrot.

He doesn’t have a peg-leg or an eye patch or a Pirate’s hat either.

When he says ‘Argh!’ no one is frightened.

When he says ‘Walk the plank ye land lubber’ no one walks the plank.

Patrick the Pirate just wears his pyjamas, he doesn’t even have a ship or any Pirate gold.

Patrick the Pirate doesn’t have a gold earring or a moustache or a skull & crossbones on a flag.

He couldn’t pilfer a vessel or sail the high seas or hoist a main sail or swing from a trapeze.

He can’t climb up in to the crow’s nest to look through a telescope,

Or plot a course on a map or tie knots in a rope.

Because he’s clinically insane.

He was found in a shopping precinct in Norwich walking around in his pyjamas with a crutch he’d stolen from a local hospital and a pair of sunglasses on with one lens missing shouting “I’m a pirate, who wants to cup my balls?”

He was trying to get a cat to balance on his shoulder because he thought it was a parrot and, as previously explained,

Patrick the Pirate does not have a Parrot.

THE END

Steven the Angry Bunny

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Steven is a very angry bunny. Believe me kids he’s seen some shit.

I don’t know what non-fictional accounts your parents usually read to you at night about the North Korean Gulags or the Killing Fields of Cambodia but this is much, much worse.

Steven’s Mother died of Myxomatosis when he was only a baby. And if that isn’t enough to fuck you up his father got shot and then cooked and eaten in what the two-legged ones call a ‘Gastropub’.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough some asshole even had the temerity to leave a review on Trip Advisor describing Steven’s dad as being “a delicate meat, which can be dry when overcooked and doesn’t really stand up to strong flavours.” Imagine if some pompous douchebag said that about your dad. Either of your parents for that matter, it’d piss you off.

Anyway whenever Steven met another animal he was usually overcome with a powerful urge to “fuck their shit up” and today was no exception when he bumped in to Kyle the Fox just outside of the local copse after closing time.

“Alright mate?” Asked Kyle

“I ain’t your fucking mate” replied Steven. Like most angry bunnies Steven spoke with a strong cockney accent even though he was actually from Hertfordshire.

“Ok calm down I didn’t mean any offence” said Kyle, and then added under his breath, “you fucking psycho.”

“Right that’s it, you looking to get fucking cut you mug!?”

“No, no, I’m really sorry. Look I can’t help it man, I’m a fox, I’m naturally sly it’s just in my nature. I thought I had it under control.”

Steven considered this for a moment.

“Ok, fair enough. My counsellor is always telling me I need to get my emotions under control but I’m just such an angry bunny. I can’t help it either.”

“Well hey man, maybe we can help each other out, if you know what I mean?” said Kyle with a sly wink.

“I ain’t a fucking poof if that’s what you mean you fucking shit stabbing queer, one time that happened, I’ll gouge your fucking eyes out you skank fox cunt…”

“Sorry, I was just being sly again for no reason. I mean we can just help each other with our problems, we can be friends.”

“No one’s ever wanted to be my friend before.”

“I can see why you fucking nutjob.”

“Listen here you sly fuck!”

“Look, this could go on all day.”

“Alright. If you really want to help me out you can help me find the farmer who shot my dad, then we can be friends.”

“I know where the farmer lives”, said Kyle.

“Really, you do?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty fucking obvious seeing as we all live on the farm and there’s only one house in the immediate vicinity. Sorry!”

“Arrrgggghhhhhhh.” Said Steven.

So off they went, the two best friends, up to the farmhouse together.

They burrowed in under the back door and found the farmer in his kitchen with a big pot on the stove, getting his dinner ready and Steven coshed him over the head with a rolling pin and shoved him straight in the pot.

“What the Jesus and Mary Chain is going on?” exclaimed the farmer.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on”, said Steven. “You’re going in a fucking casserole you mug. Get in there with the carrots and the bay leaves. Get in there with the onions and the stock and a small handful of crushed juniper berries, see how you fucking like it!”

“Why are you doing this?” enquired the farmer.

“My dad wasn’t fucking dry! You can’t just stick a lid on a casserole and shove it in the oven you have to use a cartouche with that shit. Too much steam can actually dry the meat out, it sounds counterintuitive but it’s fucking true now get in there!”

And Steven boiled the farmer in the pot and he knew that he could finally let go of all his hatred and not be such an angry bunny any more.

Then he stoved in that sly fucking fox’s head for good measure with a pestle, or a mortar. He could never remember which one was which.

THE END

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