If you find politics to be weird, creepy and boring then you’re probably not alone. It is generally just a bunch of pallid, bloated, middle aged men (and a few women) spouting a load of banal platitudes on a series of arbitrarily chosen subjects while failing horrendously to do Neuro Linguistic Programming on us all through our television sets. I think the reason it’s all so shit is because the politics that we all see on TV has so very little to do with the actual day to day business of running a country. It’s a pretty tough job running a whole country, especially one as irritating as ours and they’ll all no doubt fuck it up horrifically in one way or another given half a chance but you’re expected to engage with it all anyway, otherwise you’re no better than Hitler.
So, if you’re struggling with which way to cast your pointless little vote then fear not, as the Bad Tripe guide to the election candidates is here!
David Cameron – Conservatives
Big D, the big cheese, numero uno. Old dish face Cameron himself, this guy is, apparently, in charge. It’s very easy to have a go at Cameron, the public school educated, ridiculously over privileged toff. All he wants is to make sure the rich keep getting richer and the poor get trampled on and that is probably true but consider this; ending up as Prime Minister is probably a bit of a career failure for someone with DC’s background, it’s not an easy job and isn’t particularly well paid (in the grand scheme of things). He could probably have quite easily become a banker, or a barrister, or a non-executive director of some shady human trafficking organisation and just raked in the cash and had a great time. He could have just spent his days steaming his way through mountains of chang and champagne and dauphinoise potatoes on a yacht in the south of France somewhere but instead he chose to just become plain old Prime Minister and have a go at running the country. It’s the one job where pretty much everyone hates you, everyone thinks you owe them a favour and every little thing you do is scrutinised to the nth degree, so fair play to the slimy old ponce.
What I quite like about Cameron is that he doesn’t really seem to give that much of a shit what people think of him any more. He’s said he won’t do a third term and all he ever really says is “Let’s just stick to the plan. THE PLAN!” But what exactly is the plan Dave? Just round up everyone north of Watford with a combined income of less than a football team and put them to work in some sort of giant hive which produces English wine and strawberries all year round for you and your mates? I bet if he was pushed on this issue he probably wouldn’t even bother to deny it at all.
He is fond of saying that we need to “balance the books” which seems like a good idea. Banks seem to have a lot of money, and seeing as how I, as a taxpayer now partly own some of the banks maybe the government, on my behalf, could take a little bit of money out of the bankers’ bonuses seeing as they were the ones who fucked things up for everyone in the first place?
What’s that? No that’s not a fair way of doing things?
What’s that now? It would be easier if I just paid more for all of the things I need and enjoy like petrol, beer, cigarettes and pasties? OK I guess we’ll just do that then.
Nicola Sturgeon – Scottish National Party
As far as I was aware, after last summer Scotland was no longer a thing so I’m not exactly sure what this woman is even doing here. I’m not Scottish but I might still vote for her. I presume her policies mainly include things like haggis, Irn Bru, deep fried mars bars and heroin, all of which is fine with me. A reasonably priced outsider and definitely one to watch.
Nick Clegg – Liberal Democrats
Cameron’s bitch. Actually seems like quite a nice fella to be fair, fairly level headed and pretty sound with some good ideas. Which is exactly the problem with the Lib Dems!!! People don’t want safe and well thought out, they want horrendously stupid ideologies which they can really get behind, the more people they’re guaranteed to fuck over the better, that way everyone will have plenty of stuff to complain about, all the time. Clegg’s problem, and that of the Lib Dems is that they’re just too middle of the road. You’d think that would be a fairly good plan given that history tells us veering violently to the left or the right never really produces very good results. However, let’s remember that politics is not about who’ll be good at running a country, it’s about who can get the most morons to vote for them and what Clegg seems to be saying is, “I’m on the fence, I’m OK. If I get in I’ll probably do an alright job, some of the time, yeah?” He’s too laid back and we just can’t have that in Britain, you’ve got to be an insane caricature of yourself if you want to get on.
Oh and of course he fucked over some students in some way didn’t he? Come on for the love of God! Everyone knows that students aren’t bothered about anything except walking around in shorts and flip flops all year round and spunking all of their parents money on UV paint and disposable barbecues. Promise to lower their tuition fees and then go back on it? They probably never even realised that happened. I can guarantee if Clegg had promised to drop an eighth of rocky off at their flat and forgot then they’d all have been far more annoyed and with good reason. Everyone hates students so don’t feel bad Nick, I’d vote for you if it wasn’t such a waste.
Leanne Wood – Plaid Cymru
Seems like quite a nice lady.
Although quite Welsh.
Nigel Farage – UK Independence Party
The reanimated, previously embalmed corpse of a man who died to save us all from Johnny Foreigner. Everyone loves a bit of Farage, he’s the comedy baddie in this whole ridiculous pantomime. If Katie Hopkins can finish second in Celebrity Big Brother then that tells us everything we need to know about Farage’s chances in this upcoming election, oh yes it does!
I haven’t actually read UKIP’s manifesto but I imagine it goes something like this:
“Every, and I do mean every single person who attempts to come and live in the UK is only coming over here to steal your job and to infect you with AIDS. Thank you.”
Farage actually has some reasonably sane ideas on a lot of things and I do enjoy the fact that he is prepared to speak his mind a lot more than most other politicians ever would which makes for great entertainment but you can’t just blame everything on immigration. Let’s not forget that there are thousands of people in Britain who want to emigrate away from this stinking urine drenched hell hole and what if other countries stopped letting any of us in, then where would we be? I’ll tell you where; trapped for ever on an island surrounded by a fairly comprehensive cross section of the worst people in the world. Basically Farage wants to trap us all in some terrible, macro version of Big Brother, or as it would eventually come to be known, Hell on Earth, with Farage as Lucifer and probably Katie Hopkins as his hideous demon wife.
Natalie Bennett – Green Party
Stop trying to make climate change in to a thing! I don’t even believe it is really a thing. Go and take it up with China and the US and see how far you get. “Oh well the climate is different today to how it was ten years ago and in another ten years it could be different again still.” Yes there’s a word for that love, it’s called weather. Fuck off.
Ed Miliband – Labour
Jesus fucking tits on Christ where do I begin? If there was an election to elect the first ever Mayor of Creepy Town then I would totally vote for this guy :-
He looks like he wants to show your children some magic tricks, but the magic trick is that he found a dead rat in a ditch and put a tiny pink tutu on it and now he’s carrying it round in a bag and showing it to strangers.
He looks as though he lives in a really old, really dark, rickety house at the top of a hill and he lives with his mother and when mother’s back is turned he likes to dress up in mother’s clothes and tip toe round the house to hide from mother. Except ‘mother’ is actually just an old mop that’s propped up in the kitchen who he talks to and who constantly berates him unfairly and orders him around and makes him cry.
“Edward! Edward why have you left me?”
“Edward you know you shouldn’t leave me on my own you need to soak my bunions.”
“I can’t right now mother I’m being Prime Minister.”
“You’ll never be Prime Minister!”
“I will mother.”
“I’m the Prime Minister. Your mouth only works on one side of your face.”
“LEAVE ME ALONE MOTHER!”
And so on and so forth……I’m being quite mean. I think Miliband actually comes over pretty alright, doesn’t seem to have very much in the way of actual policies or anything like that but he does seem fairly committed I’ll give him that.
So there you go, seven equally unbearable choices for you to pick from. I suppose in many ways a general election is a bit like offering someone a choice of implements with which to gouge out their own eyes but the important thing to remember is that you do have a choice! So get out there and cast your votes fine readers. Fly, fly, fly…..
Fly, fly, fly…