Here is a picture of my girlfriend and I in Ibiza, as you can see the author is punching well above his weight! Sarah Leatherbarrow, also known as L-Baz, Bazza or simply ‘The Barrow’ has been putting up with me for almost 3 and a half years now and in May of next year I’m very happy to say that we’ll be getting married. On the big day I will be expected to give a speech, which is something I very much enjoy. I was co-best man at my mate Nick’s wedding last year and although I was so nervous that I felt as though I had lost sensation in all of my limbs, it was great fun and the speech went down really well. Now for my own wedding I keep having to remind myself that giving a groom’s speech is very different to giving a best man’s speech, basically I can’t just stand up and take the piss out of my wife for 15 minutes! Instead I’ll be saying lots of nice things about her as I’m not a Neanderthal but I wanted to share some funny stuff on here, especially the many quotes from L-Baz which have enriched my life. I’ll probably add to this over time but here are a few of my faves (and bear in mind that these are off the cuff and not actually meant as humorous remarks, which is why I love them).
An important cooking question; I told Sarah I was making crab linguine for tea which immediately made her panic as I knew she would be picturing a pile of linguine with a live crab sitting on top of it.
“LB: How do you know he’s dead?
LB: The crab, you boil them from live don’t you? So you might just be giving him a hot bath, you don’t know with a fish.
Me: It’s not a fish, it’s a crustacean.
LB: It’s not a crusty Asian, it’s a fish.”
Whilst watching a TV documentary on Peter Sutcliffe; We’d been watching it for a good half an hour…
“Sutcliffe. Is that Myra Hindley?”
Giving me a lesson on how to use Dolmio sauce in cooking;
“Don’t put any salt in it Rick, there’s salt already in the sauce, they mix all of the ingredients up in a jar for you, you see. Do you understand?”
Trying to insult me;
“Me: You’re as bent as a nine-bob note.
LB: You’re as bent as a broom.
Me: Straight then?
LB: A curly broom.”
On the subject of eating chicken off the bone (in conversation with her mother);
“I’ve eaten bone from Rick before.”
A food review;
“Venison’s shit, I’ve never had it.”
Whilst recovering from minor keyhole surgery (to my brother);
“Tell Stevie I’ve got 3 holes in me!”
On the subject of work and managing her assistant;
“I’ve been really tired so I just made my minion give me back rubs all day.”
To the cat;
“Hey get out of here you filthy vermin!”
Whilst watching a documentary on African Albinos (to be fair it was confusing);
“LB: Why’s he white?
Me: He’s an Albino, but if he wasn’t an Albino he’d be black.
LB: So he’s white?
Me: Well yes but that’s just because his skin has no pigment even though he’s of African descent. Do you understand?
LB: I think so.
Me: Do you?
A review of the film ‘Shutter Island’;
“It’s rubbish, he gets eaten by rats.”
A debate on whether or not we should book an all-inclusive hotel;
“LB: I like to go out and find nice places to eat and drink.”
Me: So do I but if you fancy a beer or something to eat at the hotel, it’s free.
LB: But normally if I want a drink I just put it on the tab.
Me: And who exactly do you think pays the tab???
After being taken to hospital following a car crash;
“Rick! They strapped me to a board and ruined my make-up.”
After 2 days on an aloe vera detox diet (in tears);
“Do you hate me because of my fat thighs? I just want cookies!”
On the subject of her favourite greetings card (this used to be her job);
“I’ve thought it was funny for ages even though I didn’t actually understand the joke and then someone explained it to me and I still don’t really get it but it’s made it even funnier.”
And finally, here is one which she claimed she actually meant….
Encouraging my brother to smoke less cannabis;
“You’ll be better at golf if you stop smoking it Stevie, you don’t want to be playing with a handicap!”