Category Archives: animals

Getting a dog – One man’s journey

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Please sir…spare some treats for a poor orphan?

The author has recently become the owner of a small dog, a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Harry. Most of my friends only have human children so can’t really understand the unique bond that I have with my furry little pal and the depth of love that I feel for him. Harry has truly warmed my icy black heart and I plan to quit my job in order to become a full time carer to him but before that I thought I’d share my experiences of becoming a dog owner with you, dear reader.

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thorough research – important

It was entirely my wife’s idea

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evil genius having lunch

For a long time I refused to get a dog. It’s not that I’m a dog hater, even though I know some pretty annoying dogs, I’m not that much of an arsehole you understand. I just didn’t really want the responsibility that owning a dog entails. My wife really, really, really wanted a dog though and that had been abundantly clear for quite a long time.

So – to begin with, a quick note to all you WAG’s out there. You’re probably thinking yes Rick! I want a cute furry little mate too but I can’t be arsed with all of the walking and the getting up early and the picking up poo in bags that goes on for well in excess of a decade so I need to convince my husband that it’s his idea to get one and then I can force him to take all of the responsibility. Well let me just stop you there sweetheart! As a woman, you simply do not have the subtlety required to pull off an operation of this kind.

Now you’re going, Oh how little you know me Rick –  I play these mind games on my dopey fuckstick of a husband week in week out and the poor simpleton never twigs what I’m doing and I always end up getting my own way. Let me just stop you there love. What actually happens is your husband, your poor tired husband sees you coming a mile off and just decides to skip to the end and give you what you want. It’s quicker, it’s easier and he even lets you believe that you’ve bamboozled him in to giving you what you want because he knows you enjoy the sport and he likes to see the cute little smile on your evil little face. Sometimes though, on major issues he may decide to dig his heels in.

Therefore, if you’re a woman and you want a dog then you’re better off with either of these options;

  1. Sell the benefits of getting a dog to your husband. Take him to the pub and bribe him with alcohol. Explain to him that “this pub is dog friendly and if we had a dog then we could sit here with him and drink all day in front of this nice cozy fire and you could even watch the football, for a bit, without me complaining constantly because you will have given me the greatest gift of all – a dog.” This nearly worked on the author – a soppy, easily manipulated drunken fool at the best of times. I sobered up eventually though and stood my ground.
  2. Just go full nuclear. Guide your husband to the realisation that owning a dog for the next 10 -20 years and all of the ball ache that goes with it will actually be far less annoying than having to listen to you bang on about it constantly for every minute of every day until the end of time. He’ll crack eventually, as a woman you definitely have the stamina required to pull this off.

And so that’s what happened. By the time my wife said, “I’ve found a breeder and they make this type of dog can we go and cuddle one?” I was already broken and bloodied on the canvas. I simply couldn’t get up for the next round and even though I knew I was making the fatal, fatal mistake of going to actually see some puppies, I found myself agreeing…

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just two handsome guys hanging out

This was the first time I met Harry. As you can see from his expression he was a little bit like, “Who in the name of all Holy Christ are you and what exactly do you want?”

At this stage I was still thinking to myself, we’re just going to meet the breeder and ask a few questions, that doesn’t mean we’re actually going to get the dog. Then of course, as soon as I met the little bugger I immediately imprinted on him and that was me done. He sniffed and licked my face, I did likewise, and just like that I had agreed to arrange my entire life around him for the foreseeable future. Well played wife.

We did agonise over the decision for a day and a night. You don’t get long to decide if you want to take the puppy because they’ve got people queueing up for them. In the end we thought about how we would feel if we called the breeders back and we were too late and he’d gone off to live with someone else. No way were we ever going to be having that. He was ours.

It’s impossible to really “train” a dog

I had long since held the view that dogs are basically every bit as bad as cats, but because they are more affectionate they just get away with it and that has turned out to be pretty much completely true.

The first thing you need to understand is that all dogs, all animals in fact, are naturally just  badly behaved, incredibly selfish bastards. You’ll never really be able to train them in the traditional sense. Rather, it is your job to trick, manipulate and bribe them in to doing what you want. It’s all about trying to outsmart your puppy in every scenario. Get them to wee on a puppy pad, then move the puppy pad closer and closer to the door until eventually it’s outside and then the dog suddenly finds itself weeing outside thinking how the fuck did I get out here? That’s it. People like to make out that dogs are clever enough to train but really they’re just stupid enough to manipulate. Most of the time.

We take Harry to a puppy class every Wednesday which has been basically no help and serves only to undo much of my good work by getting him overstimulated and sending him batshit crazy on puppy treats.

The puppy teacher did say one thing which struck a chord though and it was about learning the command to get your dog to “give” or “leave it.”

She said that you need to train them to associate your hand with treats and good stuff in case you ever have to take away an item which is “high value to them.” That pretty much sums it up, it is just a never ending negotiation as such;

“Harry! Give me back that sock.”

“No. This is high value to me. I am only prepared to relinquish it in exchange for another item of equally high value such as kibble or the oven glove or my favourite toy Mr. Fox who you have so cruelly hidden from me.”

“Well that’s because last time you had Mr. Fox you were getting a little bit too friendly with him, weren’t you?”

“As I explained, that wasn’t what it looked like. I tripped.”

“Hmmmm.”

“I am prepared to accept two items of medium value. Medium value items include kibble, anything made of plastic, anything made of cardboard, anything made of wicker, sticks, kibble, full and unfettered access to the dishwasher and it’s contents for twelve hours, kibble, or your face for me to lick – including ears AND mouth.”

“You can have some kibble and access to the dishwasher for three minutes.”

“Five hours.”

“Two minutes.”

“Done.”

And that is basically how you train a puppy.

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Wall Street 2 – Kibble Never Sleeps

 

Puppies can be quite bitey – remember this AT ALL TIMES

This is important information. Puppies, while usually very sleepy and cuddly, sometimes do turn in to little feral bitey monsters and you will do well to remember this. You don’t want to rush downstairs of a morn, wearing nought but a pair of loose fitting boxer shorts, let your excitable puppy out of his sleeping crate and then squat down in order to greet the little fellow. This isn’t a hypothetical situation, of course, this is something that I actually did.

Harry was super excited as he always is first thing in the morning and was nipping at my fingers and toes and then, suddenly – something else.

Yes it would seem that little Rick had been making an appearance out of the leg of my boxer shorts and as I bent down the dog must’ve thought he was having sausage for breakfast. I felt a very sharp nip, and a slight tug which kind of took my breath away in the manner in which one might reasonably expect a puncture wound to the penis to do.

I looked down and saw a thick globule of very dark blood on my leg. As it slowly began to trickle it’s way down I looked up to see my wife entering the kitchen. White as a sheet and in a state of panic I said to her;

“Something terrible has happened.”

“Oh my God! What’s happened to the dog?”

“Nothing, the dog is fine but I think I am going to require either a trip to A&E or a Prince Albert.”

True story. The little guy had bitten me right on the very southern-most point of the old chap, right on the tip. Made a full recovery though since you ask. Was a bit of a bleeder though.

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puppies – sometimes bitey

So there you have it. That’s basically the full story to date of how we got a dog. Harry is settling in really well and I’m amazed at how quickly he has taken over our lives, in a good way. He loves going for a walk and running through leaves, he’s pretty speedy so we’ll be taking him to agility classes in the near future. He definitely chews at at least a 16 week level even though he’s only 14 weeks, probably due to putting in a minimum of 2 hours chewing practice per day, we’re all very proud of him. He’s particularly fond of going to the pub and sitting on the sofa watching telly with mummy and daddy. He loves kibble.

To date he has bitten my wife’s nose a few times but thankfully my genitals remain fully intact. Never change Harry, never change.

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The 7 most up their own arse and devious animals on the planet

animals = fucking pointless

animals = fucking pointless

As we all know, animals are shit. Delicious, yes. Funny, occasionally but ultimately they’re just a massive waste of time and space. Apart from pigs who are delicious and cute. I would eat pretty much any part of a pig and snuggle up to one and also frolic with him in the sunshine in the fields of wheat. Oh yes I would.

Generally though, animals are devious and selfish and pointless. Especially the ones who simply refuse to evolve and end up as an irritating advert on daytime TV encouraging me to give money to save their doomed species. Well I’m sorry Snow Leopard but we all have problems, I’m not beautiful, majestic or mysterious and I don’t complain half as much as you do.

Anywhere, here is the definitive list of the 7 most annoying animal species as compiled by me on behalf of the WWF (before it became the WWE) The Undertaker is my favourite, wait I’ve got this wrong haven’t I?

#7: Dogs

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I just need to get this one out of the way first; dogs are fucking annoying. I know, I know look at his adorable little face, he’s so cute. Well yes, he’s cute and yes pretty much all dogs are extremely loveable but that’s the problem with them, they’re just too damn loveable and they fucking well know it! They move in to your house and take over your entire life. You have to arrange your every waking action around their schedule, they cost a fortune and you have to do absolutely everything for them including cleaning up every shit they will ever take over a lifetime. Even babies eventually become more interesting and self sufficient and sometimes even develop in to decent human beings who are capable of making a valid contribution to society, dogs just take and take and take. Has it ever occurred to anyone that dogs used to be wild, just like rats or bats or manatees but at some point over the course of their existence they’ve all just figured out, en masse that all they have to do is act cute and give it the big puppy dog eyes and then they can just live the sweet life and milk humans for all they’re worth forever. All they do is relax on the sofa or on a massive doggie bed and enjoy being spoilt rotten by you, you foolish human. Dogs have been mugging our species off for long enough, the stupid adorable bastards.

#6: Cats

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Just as bad as dogs in every way but at least cats are actually capable of fending for themselves for quite a lot of the time. They only really need feeding, and actually even if you don’t feed them they’ll just go and get someone else to feed them anyway. Having a cat is basically just like having a lodger, a really fat, lazy, devious and irritating lodger who asks you for food all the time and rubs themselves up against your leg and hairs up all of your clothes and scratches your furniture to buggery and wakes you up every morning at 5.30am because they’ve decided that that is the time you usually get up to feed them and then act like they’re just doing you a favour by reminding you of that fact. Hairy, devious little fuckers.

#5: Koala Bears

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Bit of a curveball this one but Koalas make the list because they are well known, disease spreading sexual deviants. That’s right, Koalas carry chlamydia. I know, I know, you’re now reading this article going “Oh my God Darren was telling the truth all along, I never should’ve kicked his cheating ass out of my flat”. Well that’s right sister, it’s a fact, Koalas are fucking riddled with chlamydia and they need to be stopped. How many relationships have been ruined because one half of a couple has taken a year out to go travelling and ‘find themselves’ only to get interfered with by a Koala Bear and then accidentally pass chlamydia on to their partner upon returning home? Let’s face it if you travel to Australia you’re pretty much expecting to get raped by at least one species of vicious wild creature so I would imagine that the majority of Koala rapes go unreported. Hell, most people probably don’t even know that what’s happened to them is rape, they probably just think that that’s how Koalas say hello or that they were guilty of leading them on in some way or they’re just too ashamed to speak up, well it needs to stop. The public need re-educating on this matter and it’s up to the government of Australia to stop these dirty little bears from infecting any more of our clean and well behaved travelling gap yah student douchebags year on year. The dirty, diseased, piss taking bastards.

#4: Spiders

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Absolute cunts.

“Ooooh but they catch flies.”

Bollocks. I’ve never seen a spider catch a fly, and quite honestly how many flies could they even catch? There’s always going to be fuckloads of flies in the world and they are not even difficult to catch. Ever heard of fly paper? Come on. We don’t need spiders.

I have however witnessed spiders routinely invading my personal space, jumping out right when I’m at my most relaxed and shouting “Surprise Cockface!!” and making me jump up and shriek in fright and stand on the sofa like a girl. Don’t get me wrong, if a spider comes in to my house I will be twatting it with a rolled up newspaper, I will show it no quarter. I’m not just going to ignore the massive fucker or worse yet, trap it under a glass and let it outside only for it to rappel down from the ceiling straight on to my face in the middle of the night, I’m not that naive.

“But they’re more scared of you than you are of them.”

“NO THEY’RE FUCKING NOT DAD! If they’re scared of me then they’d never come running in to my living room like they’re Chuck fucking Norris would they!?” You fuck.

#3: Pigeons

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A fine example of a completely pointless animal. All they do is hang around town centres intimidating people. They’re the chavs of the animal kingdom. Two good stories about pigeons; one is that I used to work with a French exchange student called Francis who didn’t really know what he was supposed to be doing around the office and neither did anyone else really so he just used to come to my office and chat to me about nothing in particular and one day he said he had a funny story about “zee pie-john”.

I was like, “What’s a pie-john?”

“You know, ow you say, zee pie-john. Zee leetle bird?”

“Oh you mean a pigeon?”

“Oui, zee pie-john.”

“Ok.”

“Zis weekend I ‘ave cafe wiz my girlfriend, outside, zee pie-john zey fly round ‘er ‘ead. She scream, cry…..eet was very funny.”

Great story from Francis. One of his best and to this day I always refer to pigeons as ‘zee pie-john’.

Second was my fiancee Sarah who when I offered to make for her my delicious salad of wood pigeon, pickled shallot and raspberry vinaigrette responded with, “I don’t want to eat a pigeon Rick, they’ve only got one foot.”

Fair enough.

#2: Pandas

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Lazy, up their own arse good for nothing bastards. We do so much and spend so much money trying to stop these idiots from becoming extinct and for what? They are beyond help. Being a vegan is bad enough but only eating bamboo!!?? For crying out loud.

“Listen Yao Tzu, firstly, now that you’re here in the UK I’m going to start calling you Kevin, is that ok?”

“Oh well not really I prefer to go by my proper name which after all was given to me by…”

“Great, listen Kevin we need to have a talk about your diet.”

“Oh but I only eat bamboo you see, it’s the native dish of the great Panda colonies and I wouldn’t want to…”

“Yeah you need to give that shit up. You’re in England now you can have whatever you want, we’ll go down to Pret and get you a nice tuna baguette.”

“I’m a herbivore.”

“A fucking falafel wrap then. Something with some substance.”

“I only really like bamboo.”

“It’s got no real nutritional value.”

“It’s the Panda way.”

“You’ll die.”

“Um….”

Let’s just assume for a moment that eating bamboo isn’t that bad. It’s not doing the Panda species any good but they’ve just about managed to live this long by just munching on bamboo so fair do’s. The real problem is their refusal to mate. I mean for God’s sake we’ve put it on a plate for you!

“So hey, Kevin my man, how’s that superfood salad working out for you?”

“Oh well I tried it but I didn’t really like it so I actually had some sauteed bamboo for lunch instead.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Well never mind that now, listen, what do you think of Shirley? She’s nice huh? Just arrived from China last week.”

“I haven’t really spoken to her.”

“Yes I know but maybe you should get yourself over there and introduce yourself you lazy prick, see if she’s interested.”

“Why would I do that?”

“So you can get some sweet action my man.”

“Oh I’m not really interested in that, I’m sure she’s nice but…”

“Damn right she’s nice, 36-24-36 only 9 years old…”

“I’m not a fucking pervert!”

“You only live til the age of 20 Kevin you fuck! Sorry to break it to you but you’re not getting any younger now go and make sweet love to Shirley whether she wants it or not, we spent fifty fucking grand flying her over here from Taiwan.”

“But I’m a bit tired.”

“Your whole species will die!”

“It is the Panda way.”

Flipping idiots.

#1: The Horse

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Basically just an up its own arse, stuck up, devious, overgrown cat. Straight in at number 1 it is of course, the Horse. I for one would never ever trust a horse and you shouldn’t either. Horses are either posh, aristocratic bastards or filthy pikey bastards but whatever their social status they will kick you straight in the face and kill you or bolt and throw you over a hedge and trample you and act like it was all your fault. Definitely the most untrustworthy animal in all of creation.

Some of you are probably going, “Ah but what about Man, Man is the worst animal of all.” Well, well done you, you smug douche, you’re right. Man is by far the stupidest, most foolish and pointless creature on the planet. Anyone who would shelter a Cat, pet a Koala, give money to a Panda or attempt to ride a Horse deserves everything they get.

What a bunch of retards.

Cheers

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