Category Archives: wildlife

Badtripe Children’s Story Time

Here are some kid’s stories which I have recently had rejected by several publishers. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it seems to me that it’s a really difficult market to get in to unless you’re already famous like David Walliams or Ricky Gervais or those douchebags from McFly. Plus I really feel like kids stories are quite dumbed down and patronising. Children don’t need this rose tinted view of the world where everything has a happy ending and valuable lessons are learned. They want to make their own decisions about what’s right and wrong and they want a vomit inducing dose of the truth and I’m here to give it to them.

Enjoy!

Patrick the Pirate without a Parrot

pirate_tweet

Patrick the Pirate does not have a parrot.

He doesn’t have a peg-leg or an eye patch or a Pirate’s hat either.

When he says ‘Argh!’ no one is frightened.

When he says ‘Walk the plank ye land lubber’ no one walks the plank.

Patrick the Pirate just wears his pyjamas, he doesn’t even have a ship or any Pirate gold.

Patrick the Pirate doesn’t have a gold earring or a moustache or a skull & crossbones on a flag.

He couldn’t pilfer a vessel or sail the high seas or hoist a main sail or swing from a trapeze.

He can’t climb up in to the crow’s nest to look through a telescope,

Or plot a course on a map or tie knots in a rope.

Because he’s clinically insane.

He was found in a shopping precinct in Norwich walking around in his pyjamas with a crutch he’d stolen from a local hospital and a pair of sunglasses on with one lens missing shouting “I’m a pirate, who wants to cup my balls?”

He was trying to get a cat to balance on his shoulder because he thought it was a parrot and, as previously explained,

Patrick the Pirate does not have a Parrot.

THE END

Steven the Angry Bunny

baby-bunny

Steven is a very angry bunny. Believe me kids he’s seen some shit.

I don’t know what non-fictional accounts your parents usually read to you at night about the North Korean Gulags or the Killing Fields of Cambodia but this is much, much worse.

Steven’s Mother died of Myxomatosis when he was only a baby. And if that isn’t enough to fuck you up his father got shot and then cooked and eaten in what the two-legged ones call a ‘Gastropub’.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough some asshole even had the temerity to leave a review on Trip Advisor describing Steven’s dad as being “a delicate meat, which can be dry when overcooked and doesn’t really stand up to strong flavours.” Imagine if some pompous douchebag said that about your dad. Either of your parents for that matter, it’d piss you off.

Anyway whenever Steven met another animal he was usually overcome with a powerful urge to “fuck their shit up” and today was no exception when he bumped in to Kyle the Fox just outside of the local copse after closing time.

“Alright mate?” Asked Kyle

“I ain’t your fucking mate” replied Steven. Like most angry bunnies Steven spoke with a strong cockney accent even though he was actually from Hertfordshire.

“Ok calm down I didn’t mean any offence” said Kyle, and then added under his breath, “you fucking psycho.”

“Right that’s it, you looking to get fucking cut you mug!?”

“No, no, I’m really sorry. Look I can’t help it man, I’m a fox, I’m naturally sly it’s just in my nature. I thought I had it under control.”

Steven considered this for a moment.

“Ok, fair enough. My counsellor is always telling me I need to get my emotions under control but I’m just such an angry bunny. I can’t help it either.”

“Well hey man, maybe we can help each other out, if you know what I mean?” said Kyle with a sly wink.

“I ain’t a fucking poof if that’s what you mean you fucking shit stabbing queer, one time that happened, I’ll gouge your fucking eyes out you skank fox cunt…”

“Sorry, I was just being sly again for no reason. I mean we can just help each other with our problems, we can be friends.”

“No one’s ever wanted to be my friend before.”

“I can see why you fucking nutjob.”

“Listen here you sly fuck!”

“Look, this could go on all day.”

“Alright. If you really want to help me out you can help me find the farmer who shot my dad, then we can be friends.”

“I know where the farmer lives”, said Kyle.

“Really, you do?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty fucking obvious seeing as we all live on the farm and there’s only one house in the immediate vicinity. Sorry!”

“Arrrgggghhhhhhh.” Said Steven.

So off they went, the two best friends, up to the farmhouse together.

They burrowed in under the back door and found the farmer in his kitchen with a big pot on the stove, getting his dinner ready and Steven coshed him over the head with a rolling pin and shoved him straight in the pot.

“What the Jesus and Mary Chain is going on?” exclaimed the farmer.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on”, said Steven. “You’re going in a fucking casserole you mug. Get in there with the carrots and the bay leaves. Get in there with the onions and the stock and a small handful of crushed juniper berries, see how you fucking like it!”

“Why are you doing this?” enquired the farmer.

“My dad wasn’t fucking dry! You can’t just stick a lid on a casserole and shove it in the oven you have to use a cartouche with that shit. Too much steam can actually dry the meat out, it sounds counterintuitive but it’s fucking true now get in there!”

And Steven boiled the farmer in the pot and he knew that he could finally let go of all his hatred and not be such an angry bunny any more.

Then he stoved in that sly fucking fox’s head for good measure with a pestle, or a mortar. He could never remember which one was which.

THE END

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The 7 most up their own arse and devious animals on the planet

animals = fucking pointless

animals = fucking pointless

As we all know, animals are shit. Delicious, yes. Funny, occasionally but ultimately they’re just a massive waste of time and space. Apart from pigs who are delicious and cute. I would eat pretty much any part of a pig and snuggle up to one and also frolic with him in the sunshine in the fields of wheat. Oh yes I would.

Generally though, animals are devious and selfish and pointless. Especially the ones who simply refuse to evolve and end up as an irritating advert on daytime TV encouraging me to give money to save their doomed species. Well I’m sorry Snow Leopard but we all have problems, I’m not beautiful, majestic or mysterious and I don’t complain half as much as you do.

Anywhere, here is the definitive list of the 7 most annoying animal species as compiled by me on behalf of the WWF (before it became the WWE) The Undertaker is my favourite, wait I’ve got this wrong haven’t I?

#7: Dogs

dogs

I just need to get this one out of the way first; dogs are fucking annoying. I know, I know look at his adorable little face, he’s so cute. Well yes, he’s cute and yes pretty much all dogs are extremely loveable but that’s the problem with them, they’re just too damn loveable and they fucking well know it! They move in to your house and take over your entire life. You have to arrange your every waking action around their schedule, they cost a fortune and you have to do absolutely everything for them including cleaning up every shit they will ever take over a lifetime. Even babies eventually become more interesting and self sufficient and sometimes even develop in to decent human beings who are capable of making a valid contribution to society, dogs just take and take and take. Has it ever occurred to anyone that dogs used to be wild, just like rats or bats or manatees but at some point over the course of their existence they’ve all just figured out, en masse that all they have to do is act cute and give it the big puppy dog eyes and then they can just live the sweet life and milk humans for all they’re worth forever. All they do is relax on the sofa or on a massive doggie bed and enjoy being spoilt rotten by you, you foolish human. Dogs have been mugging our species off for long enough, the stupid adorable bastards.

#6: Cats

cat

Just as bad as dogs in every way but at least cats are actually capable of fending for themselves for quite a lot of the time. They only really need feeding, and actually even if you don’t feed them they’ll just go and get someone else to feed them anyway. Having a cat is basically just like having a lodger, a really fat, lazy, devious and irritating lodger who asks you for food all the time and rubs themselves up against your leg and hairs up all of your clothes and scratches your furniture to buggery and wakes you up every morning at 5.30am because they’ve decided that that is the time you usually get up to feed them and then act like they’re just doing you a favour by reminding you of that fact. Hairy, devious little fuckers.

#5: Koala Bears

koala

Bit of a curveball this one but Koalas make the list because they are well known, disease spreading sexual deviants. That’s right, Koalas carry chlamydia. I know, I know, you’re now reading this article going “Oh my God Darren was telling the truth all along, I never should’ve kicked his cheating ass out of my flat”. Well that’s right sister, it’s a fact, Koalas are fucking riddled with chlamydia and they need to be stopped. How many relationships have been ruined because one half of a couple has taken a year out to go travelling and ‘find themselves’ only to get interfered with by a Koala Bear and then accidentally pass chlamydia on to their partner upon returning home? Let’s face it if you travel to Australia you’re pretty much expecting to get raped by at least one species of vicious wild creature so I would imagine that the majority of Koala rapes go unreported. Hell, most people probably don’t even know that what’s happened to them is rape, they probably just think that that’s how Koalas say hello or that they were guilty of leading them on in some way or they’re just too ashamed to speak up, well it needs to stop. The public need re-educating on this matter and it’s up to the government of Australia to stop these dirty little bears from infecting any more of our clean and well behaved travelling gap yah student douchebags year on year. The dirty, diseased, piss taking bastards.

#4: Spiders

spider

Absolute cunts.

“Ooooh but they catch flies.”

Bollocks. I’ve never seen a spider catch a fly, and quite honestly how many flies could they even catch? There’s always going to be fuckloads of flies in the world and they are not even difficult to catch. Ever heard of fly paper? Come on. We don’t need spiders.

I have however witnessed spiders routinely invading my personal space, jumping out right when I’m at my most relaxed and shouting “Surprise Cockface!!” and making me jump up and shriek in fright and stand on the sofa like a girl. Don’t get me wrong, if a spider comes in to my house I will be twatting it with a rolled up newspaper, I will show it no quarter. I’m not just going to ignore the massive fucker or worse yet, trap it under a glass and let it outside only for it to rappel down from the ceiling straight on to my face in the middle of the night, I’m not that naive.

“But they’re more scared of you than you are of them.”

“NO THEY’RE FUCKING NOT DAD! If they’re scared of me then they’d never come running in to my living room like they’re Chuck fucking Norris would they!?” You fuck.

#3: Pigeons

pigeon

A fine example of a completely pointless animal. All they do is hang around town centres intimidating people. They’re the chavs of the animal kingdom. Two good stories about pigeons; one is that I used to work with a French exchange student called Francis who didn’t really know what he was supposed to be doing around the office and neither did anyone else really so he just used to come to my office and chat to me about nothing in particular and one day he said he had a funny story about “zee pie-john”.

I was like, “What’s a pie-john?”

“You know, ow you say, zee pie-john. Zee leetle bird?”

“Oh you mean a pigeon?”

“Oui, zee pie-john.”

“Ok.”

“Zis weekend I ‘ave cafe wiz my girlfriend, outside, zee pie-john zey fly round ‘er ‘ead. She scream, cry…..eet was very funny.”

Great story from Francis. One of his best and to this day I always refer to pigeons as ‘zee pie-john’.

Second was my fiancee Sarah who when I offered to make for her my delicious salad of wood pigeon, pickled shallot and raspberry vinaigrette responded with, “I don’t want to eat a pigeon Rick, they’ve only got one foot.”

Fair enough.

#2: Pandas

panda

Lazy, up their own arse good for nothing bastards. We do so much and spend so much money trying to stop these idiots from becoming extinct and for what? They are beyond help. Being a vegan is bad enough but only eating bamboo!!?? For crying out loud.

“Listen Yao Tzu, firstly, now that you’re here in the UK I’m going to start calling you Kevin, is that ok?”

“Oh well not really I prefer to go by my proper name which after all was given to me by…”

“Great, listen Kevin we need to have a talk about your diet.”

“Oh but I only eat bamboo you see, it’s the native dish of the great Panda colonies and I wouldn’t want to…”

“Yeah you need to give that shit up. You’re in England now you can have whatever you want, we’ll go down to Pret and get you a nice tuna baguette.”

“I’m a herbivore.”

“A fucking falafel wrap then. Something with some substance.”

“I only really like bamboo.”

“It’s got no real nutritional value.”

“It’s the Panda way.”

“You’ll die.”

“Um….”

Let’s just assume for a moment that eating bamboo isn’t that bad. It’s not doing the Panda species any good but they’ve just about managed to live this long by just munching on bamboo so fair do’s. The real problem is their refusal to mate. I mean for God’s sake we’ve put it on a plate for you!

“So hey, Kevin my man, how’s that superfood salad working out for you?”

“Oh well I tried it but I didn’t really like it so I actually had some sauteed bamboo for lunch instead.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Well never mind that now, listen, what do you think of Shirley? She’s nice huh? Just arrived from China last week.”

“I haven’t really spoken to her.”

“Yes I know but maybe you should get yourself over there and introduce yourself you lazy prick, see if she’s interested.”

“Why would I do that?”

“So you can get some sweet action my man.”

“Oh I’m not really interested in that, I’m sure she’s nice but…”

“Damn right she’s nice, 36-24-36 only 9 years old…”

“I’m not a fucking pervert!”

“You only live til the age of 20 Kevin you fuck! Sorry to break it to you but you’re not getting any younger now go and make sweet love to Shirley whether she wants it or not, we spent fifty fucking grand flying her over here from Taiwan.”

“But I’m a bit tired.”

“Your whole species will die!”

“It is the Panda way.”

Flipping idiots.

#1: The Horse

horse

Basically just an up its own arse, stuck up, devious, overgrown cat. Straight in at number 1 it is of course, the Horse. I for one would never ever trust a horse and you shouldn’t either. Horses are either posh, aristocratic bastards or filthy pikey bastards but whatever their social status they will kick you straight in the face and kill you or bolt and throw you over a hedge and trample you and act like it was all your fault. Definitely the most untrustworthy animal in all of creation.

Some of you are probably going, “Ah but what about Man, Man is the worst animal of all.” Well, well done you, you smug douche, you’re right. Man is by far the stupidest, most foolish and pointless creature on the planet. Anyone who would shelter a Cat, pet a Koala, give money to a Panda or attempt to ride a Horse deserves everything they get.

What a bunch of retards.

Cheers

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